August 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Community Health Systems, one of the U.S.’s biggest hospital groups, said it was the victim of a cyber attack from China. Which would explain why my last fortune cookie knew about my rash and the lucky numbers were the digits of my social security number.

2. Seattle’s second retail marijuana store opened on Monday to a long line of customers. It’s perfect for potheads who live closer to this store or forgot where the first store was located.

3. Miami Heat player Ray Allen is likely to press charges against a group of teenagers who in the middle of the night slipped into the bedroom of his Florida home where his wife and children were sleeping. Said Allen, “As a former teammate of LeBron James, I’m used to people quietly sneaking out, but never in.”

4. Yesterday, former Microsoft CEO and newly minted owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, Steve Ballmer was introduced to a standing ovation at a team rally. Said former owner Donald Sterling, “Big deal, I used to get standing ovations all the time, because you can’t leave a room in disgust without first standing up.”

5. A new musical based on the life of Cuban-born singer Gloria Estefan will debut on Broadway next year. Or, for free, you can just go to the Bronx.

6. This week, the Islamic State militant group sent a message to the U.S. via social media vowing to “drown all of you in blood.” Word of advice, if you really want this thing to go viral, maybe add a bucket and some ice.

7. The husband of an American missionary stricken with Ebola has finished a health monitoring period without showing signs of the disease and will be able to visit his wife at the Atlanta hospital where she is being treated. Said the husband, “Maybe I’ll just send a card.”

8. On Monday, an owl killed a canary after swooping into a 10th floor apartment in Idaho, according to the canary’s owner. It was easily the coolest thing that has ever happened in Idaho.

9. On Monday, an owl killed a canary after swooping into a 10th floor apartment in Idaho, according to the canary’s owner. Even worse, it was the canary’s first day of retirement after working 30 years in the coal mines.

10. On Monday, an owl killed a canary after swooping into a 10th floor apartment in Idaho, according to the canary’s owner. Sylvester’s gonna be pretty disappointed.

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