August 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, dentists cannot agree as to the most effective way to brush one’s teeth. Four out of five dentists believe a constant, counter-clockwise motion is the best, while the fifth is British.

2. A new study suggests older adults are better able to ignore distractions and perform demanding cognitive tasks in the morning. So you’re telling me that’s the most lucid version of Willard Scott?

3. On Friday, an Alabama teenager with dyed-red hair was sent home from school by her principal over concerns that her hairdo was too bright and distracting. Alabama, where your kid can get a great education unless there are bright colors.

4. Portland Oregon police officers were dispatched last week after a report of a chicken crossing a rush-hour highway was called in by multiple motorists. The chicken refused to tell the officers why he crossed the road until he was able to talk to his lawyer.

5. An Australian hospital apologized last week after mistakenly sending out death notices for 200 of its, very much alive, patients. As a result, Prince Charles immediately checked his mother in.

6. Last week, in an interview with “The Atlantic,” Ethan Zuckerman, the creator of the pop-up ad, apologized for his creation. And I’d advise you to accept his apology, or he’ll just keep bugging you every five minutes about it.

7. Both the sitting mayor and the elected mayor of Miami Lakes are claiming the city’s top spot after the elected mayor was cleared of corruption charges. “Lucky for me, I’m both the elected mayor and the ‘sitting’ mayor,” said Rob Ford.

8. On Saturday, nearly a week after arriving on Martha’s Vineyard, President Obama appeared to take his first full day off since the start of his summer vacation. “It’s funny how the beginning of someone’s vacation can be the end of someone else’s,” said Sasha and Malia.

9. Opposition leader Imran Khan urged Pakistanis on Sunday not to pay taxes as a protest against the government and their “corrupt” prime minister. “One-way ticket to Pakistan,” said Wesley Snipes.

10. According to a new study, the key to a good relationship is kissing five times a week, admitting fault after an argument and having sex twice a week. Preferably all with your significant other.

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