August 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. FX’s “American Horror Story” has cast the world’s smallest woman, who is just over 2 feet tall. So I guess it’s back to the drawing board for whoever’s in charge of casting CBS’s “Two and A Half Women.”

2. Nuri al-Maliki finally bowed to pressure on Thursday and stepped down as prime minister of Iraq. This marks the first time in Iraqi history that a prime minister peacefully resigned and then the angry masses killed him.

3. A new study suggests, for preemies, the combination of hearing mother’s voice softly singing while being held against her skin can have a number of health benefits. Unless of course your mother is Russell Crowe, then maybe just stick with the holding part.

4. Long-time official Rob Manfred was elected the next commissioner of Major League Baseball in a vote by team owners on Thursday. The first congratulatory phone calls he received were from Pete Rose and A-Rod.

5. On Tuesday, FoxNews medical expert, Dr. Keith Ablow, told viewers that First Lady Michelle Obama needs to lose a few pounds. But, since he works for FoxNews, I assume he was talking about Barack.

6. Governor Chris Christie dumped a bucket of ice water on his head as part of the A.L.S. ice bucket challenge fundraiser. But he warned kids not to try it at home as he is an expert in dealing with brain freeze.

7. The U.S Post Office reported losses of $2 billion over the course of just three months this year. “If you want to earn back that $2 billion real quickly, I’d advise you to say something extremely racist,” said Donald Sterling.

8. According to recent photos, Olympic venues from the 2004 Athens Games now lie in ruins only 10 years later. Hey, stick with what you know.

9. According to a new study, middle aged women who get a few hours of activity each week are less likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer than more sedentary women. Although, in most cases, lumps found by sedentary women are usually just lost cheetos.

10. The bakery that invented the cronut is now selling a new peanut butter stuffed soft pretzel in the shape of a lobster tail, which critics say looks like a penis. Although, if that’s the case, maybe these critics should be a little less critical of pastries and a little more critical of their own penises, because that doesn’t sound right.

11. A company has created a new service in Manhattan and San Francisco that delivers condoms to customers 24 hours a day via bike messenger. And, for an extra fee, when you call, they’ll say they’ve run out.

12. According to the Daily Mail, golfer Rory McIlroy admitted that breaking up with tennis star-fiancee Caroline Wozniacki helped his golf game. “So I guess it only works if you break up with Caroline,” said Tiger.

13. A Connecticut man who was released from a Boston Police Station on bail after being charged with stealing a taxi, immediately climbed into an empty patrol car for an early nap Monday morning. Authorities realized he was not a police officer because he was asleep in the back seat, not the front.

14. Colorado health officials launched a $2 million “Don’t Be a Lab Rat” advertising campaign on Monday aimed at warning young people about the risks marijuana has on developing brains. $2 million!?! In my day all it took was two eggs and a frying pan.

15. A company in the U.K. has developed the ‘sexfit,’ a ring that goes around the penis and measures the calories burned during sex. Or, if you’re single, you can put it on your wrist.

16. Smokey the Bear, a symbol for generations of Americans of the dangers of forest fires, commemorated his 70th birthday on Friday. Smokey celebrated by getting sloppy drunk and wondering out loud, “If only you can prevent forest fires, what am I doing here?”

17. Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is set to open a restaurant in Rockaway, Queens. By all accounts, it will run like a normal restaurant except in this case bathroom signs will implore all employees and the owner to wash their hands.

18. According to a new report, two out of five U.S. adults born between 2000 and 2011 are expected to develop type 2 diabetes at some point in their life. While the other three are born with it.

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