August 13, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A North Carolina woman is accused of helping record and posting to Facebook a video of her teenage son setting himself on fire. Said the woman, “Relax, I challenged him to the ice bucket challenge immediately afterwards.”

2. According to a new study, women prefer men with a penis proportional to body size. Of course, they were referring to Shaq’s body.

3. A Danish architectural firm is working to create a zoo without cages called “Zootopia.” It’s perfect for the zoo-goer who loves lions and carcasses.

4. A 25-year-old woman has filed papers with the state of California for permission to marry Charles Manson. Word of advice to the minister, maybe skip the whole “If anyone here has just cause as to why these two should not be wed” part.

5. A company has created a new service in Manhattan and San Francisco that delivers condoms to customers 24 hours a day via bike messenger. So if waiting for the condoms to arrive doesn’t kill the mood, a sweaty man in spandex should do the trick.

6. A company has created a new service in Manhattan and San Francisco that delivers condoms to customers 24 hours a day via bike messenger. Said one such bike messenger, “I’m scared to see what I’d get if I ask for ‘a tip.’”

7. According to new research, after age 75, recurrences of colon cancer are rare and thus there is no need for further colonoscopies. “That’s great news for the both of us,” said gastroenterologists, “I didn’t enjoy the procedure from my end either.”

8. Five star restaurants have begun importing black truffles grown in Australia. But be very specific if you order them because people may misunderstand if you ask for black truffles from down under.

9. After being robbed, the Kardashians are refusing to air the next season of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” until the stolen items are returned. The police are actively searching for the culprit in order to award him with the Noble Peace Prize.

10. Hillary Clinton called President Obama on Tuesday to tell him that the headline-grabbing comments she made about his foreign policy were not meant as a political attack. “That’s amazing! How’d you get her to apologize?” said Bill.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.