August 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A federal judge spent the night in an Atlanta jail after being charged with misdemeanor battery. Said his cellmate, “You look familiar…”

2. On Monday, Iran’s parliament voted to ban vasectomies in response to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s call to increase the country’s population. And, in related news, Iranian TV is set to debut its newest reality show, “21 Infidels and Counting.”

3. The Wall Street Journal reported on Sunday, Amazon has halted pre-orders of some Disney movies in what appears to be another contract dispute. “Don’t let it be ‘Frozen’” said panicked parents everywhere.

4. Google is challenging private organizations to go to the moon, putting up a $20 million cash prize to the first team that puts a robot on the lunar surface. Entrepreneurs all over the world are getting in on the action, even “scientists” in Alabama are seeing how far they can throw a Roomba.

5. A new report warns that many babies in breech position are still delivered vaginally, which increases the risk for complications. Said one concerned mother, “GET IT THE HELL OUT OF ME!!! I DON’T CARE HOW!!!”

6. Kirson Ilyumzhirov, a protégée of Vladimir Putin who claims to have been abducted by aliens, was easily re-elected to head the World Chess Federation on Monday. Ilyumzhirov said he likes hanging out with Putin because, for a change, people don’t consider him the crazy one.

7. A California federal judge issued an order yesterday to stop the operators of several websites from distributing stolen copies of the upcoming “Expendables 3” film, set to be released this Friday. But, in defense of those websites, many of the actors in the film wanted to see the film as early as possible because they weren’t sure they’d make it to Friday.

8. New York police have begun handing out fliers to tourists in Times Square telling them that tipping the costumed characters who pose for photographs is optional, and to call 911 if they have complaints. “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” “I took a picture with a homeless, alcoholic guy dressed as Minnie Mouse, didn’t tip him and now I’m getting what I deserve.”

9. On Monday, while speaking at the American Bar Association’s annual meeting, Chief Justice John Roberts told the crowd of attorneys to “rise above” the political disputes that have left Washington gridlocked. Said the attorneys, “We’re not familiar with this ‘rise above’ term.”

10. An app claiming that it can change the color of your Facebook profile page, which has been making the rounds on the internet, is actually a virus that loads malicious software onto your smartphone or computer. Said people who downloaded the app, “Yeah, we probably deserved this.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.