August 11, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Clintons have reportedly rented an $18 million house called “the Belle Estates” in the Hamptons for the final week of August. Or, more accurately, Bill rented the house and he’s in a lot of trouble if Hillary is reading this.

2. A man detained in New York for having Ebola-like symptoms has tested negative for the disease. The good news is what you have is not Ebola, the bad news is they’re probably gonna name a disease after you.

3. Chinese search engine giant Baidu has been told by Beijing government officials to clean up its content after pornographic files were found on its online storage service. Said the officials, “It’s not important how we found them.”

4. John McAfee, the anti-virus software industry pioneer, made a surprise appearance at a computer hackers’ conference on Friday, where he unveiled a new website to give people a place to vent their anger online. It’s called the comments section of every website.

5. A U.S judge ruled on Friday that the NCAA must allow universities to offer student athletes limited share of their revenue. “I’ll take my cut in crab legs,” said Jameis Winston.

6. Over the weekend, the 9th annual Gay Games got underway in Cleveland, Ohio, As a result, the WNBA and LPGA have suspended play due to a lack of players.

7. Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is set to open a restaurant in Rockaway, Queens. Weiner settled upon a name once he was informed that it’s not illegal to name a restaurant something that rhymes with “Hard Rock Cafe.”

8. A woman climbed a barbed-wire fence at Halifax Stanfield International Airport in Canada on Sunday with the intention of stopping the plane she thought was carrying her husband. “Why are all the good ones taken?” said Rob Ford.

9. Smokey the Bear, a symbol for generations of Americans of the dangers of forest fires, commemorated his 70th birthday on Friday. Smokey celebrated by using a fire extinguisher to blow out all the candles on his cake and then reprimanded all those in attendance for the next twenty minutes.

10. A company in the U.K. has developed the ‘sexfit,’ a ring that goes around the penis and measures the calories burned during sex. Said men, “We’re not really interested in anything that goes on our penis and does any sort of measuring.”

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