August 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. An 87-year-old nudist is running for sheriff of a small town in Washington state. And, if he wins, I’m guessing it’s gonna become a much smaller town.

2. A man in New Zealand whose pregnant girlfriend threw a knife at him so hard that it became lodged in his skull told reporters that he was confident their relationship would continue. When asked why he was so confident about the longevity of the relationship, the man replied, “Because last time I tried to break up with her she threw a knife at my head.”

3. A woman in South Carolina called the police after she caught her son watching porn in the living room. And just think, if she had come home ten minutes later, she would have called the national guard when she saw what he was doing.

4. As of yesterday, more than 60,000 people signed a petition lobbying for Weird Al Yankovic to play the halftime show at the next SuperBowl. Said the NFL, “If we wanted people watching the SuperBowl to laugh we’d make the Broncos play the Seahawks again.”

5. NBA player Greg Oden was arrested in Indiana early Thursday morning on battery charges following an attack on his ex-girlfriend. Looks like someone’s already in mid-season form.

6. A toddler squeezed through the White House gates Thursday evening, causing a brief security lockdown. “Oh good, my playdate is here,” said Biden.

7. A toddler squeezed through the White House gates Thursday evening, causing a brief security lockdown. Add in the kid calling the president “daddy,” and you have Bill Clinton’s recurring nightmare from 1992 through 2000.

8. A new study suggests, teenagers who play video games rated for mature audiences are more likely to act aggressively, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and have unprotected sex. Which may explain why your teenager has been banned from the arcade.

9. This week, three New York City subway trains had to be fumigated after riders spotted bedbugs. Come on, do your job, rats.

10. Construction in Seoul on what would be South Korea’s tallest building has hit a snag following the appearance of a number of mysterious sinkholes. Although there’s a good chance those sinkholes are actually just people tunneling out of North Korea.

11. Cyber security researcher Ruben Santamarta says he has figure out how to hack the satellite communications equipment of passenger jets through their WiFi and inflight entertainment systems. Thanks Ruben, any other things that make terrible experiences somewhat bearable that you’d like to ruin? What are you thoughts on free donuts at jury duty or laughing gas at the dentist’s office? This is why no one likes you.

12. According to a new computer model, hepatitis C may become a “rare” disease in the U.S. in about 20 years. And, in related news, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Lindsay Lohan will all die in 20 years.

13. A ban on drinking tap water in Toledo was lifted early Monday after tests showed that toxins were no longer at dangerous levels. So now residents of Toledo will just have to find a new way to kill themselves.

14. According to campaign finance documents, supporters of a recreational marijuana ballot initiative in Oregon have raised $1 million in their effort to legalize the use of the drug. Said stoners in Oregon, “You know what’s cooler than a million dollars? My hand, look at this thing, it’s crazy”

15. According to an upcoming tell-all book, Vice President Joe Biden frequently goes skinny-dipping. Which is why I think we can all agree that Chris Christie is presidential, and not vice presidential, material.

16. A lawmaker in Ohio is set to introduce legislation that will create a specialty license plate celebrating LeBron James’ return to Cleveland. Begging the question, when LeBron leaves for Los Angeles in two years, how do you burn a license plate.

17. Toronto Mayor Rod Ford is in trouble again after accidentally showing the phone numbers of his supporters in a new campaign ad. Said his supporters, “Even though he gave our numbers out to millions of people, I pretty sure I know who keeps calling at 4 AM asking to ‘party.’”

18. Ohio animal control officers were working on Tuesday to find homes for approximately 300 pet rats removed from a studio apartment. The least surprising part of that story being that the guy who had 300 pet rats lived in a studio apartment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.