August 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, MTV announced plans to make a Mexican-version of the reality show “Jersey Shore.” It will be slightly different than the original version, for instance instead of G-T-L, it’s just G-L.

2. For the first time ever Broadway’s version of “Cinderella” has cast an African-American woman in the lead role. And, in related news, Helen Mirren will star in “the Color Purple.”

3. A man in Oregon had to be rescued from a river after falling into the water while masturbating in pubic. Said the rescuers, “No, you can keep the life jacket.”

4. A Philadelphia archaeology museum said on Tuesday its researchers had discovered an extremely rare 6,500-year-old human skeleton in its own basement. Which is surprising because you’d think an archaeology museum would be a little more discriminating with the word “discover.”

5. A New York woman who crashed her Toyota Prius into a firehouse with a stolen python wrapped around her neck pleaded not guilty to charges including reckless endangerment and larceny on Tuesday. Said her lawyer, “Oh, fuck.”

6. Donald Trump filed suit in New Jersey Tuesday to have his last name removed from both the Trump Taj Mahal and the troubled Trump Plaza. Now he knows how his ex-wives felt.

7. A children’s book about gun rights, in which a 13-year-old’s parents exercise their right to carry handguns in plain sight, has seen an increase in sales after being mocked on HBO. The book is entitled, “Maybe Don’t Hop on Pop.”

8. On Wednesday, First Lady Michelle Obama said she considers former First Lady Laura Bush a, “role model and a friend.” Said Laura Bush, “See, I told you I had a black friend.”

9. According to a poll released on Wednesday, New Jersey voters favor Democrat Hillary Clinton over their own Governor Chris Christie in the 2016 presidential race. Said Christie, “Have fun with you commute tomorrow, fuckers.”

10. According to a new study, many kids are prone to understate their weight problem if they have one. “Don’t worry, we’re on it,” said middle school bullies.

1 thought on “August 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

  1. Pingback: August 7, 2014 - Monologue Jokes | Tinseltown Times

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