August 4, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A lawmaker in Ohio is set to introduce legislation that will create a specialty license plate celebrating LeBron James’ return to Cleveland. Which seems appropriate as it will be the last thing Cavs fans see when LeBron drives out of town again in two years.

2. The Del Mar horse track in Southern California suspended racing over the weekend on its new turf after a thoroughbred was badly injured and eight other horses died in the last two weeks. But, on the plus side, it’s been a model year for the glue industry.

3. Toronto Mayor Rod Ford is in trouble again after accidentally showing the phone numbers of his supporters in a new campaign commercial. But, on the plus side, this is the first time Ford has gotten in trouble over a video that didn’t show him smoking crack.

4. A 68-year-old Illinois man is in jail charged with food tampering after he allegedly inserted sewing needles into packages of meat at a grocery store. The good news is if he enjoys having sharp rods forced into packages of meat without the owner’s knowledge or consent, he’s gonna love prison.

5. Morning traffic slowed to a crawl on an Indianapolis highway Friday after a truck carrying diary products crashed, spilling 45,000 pounds of butter, margarine and whipped cream onto the road. “They call me the fixer,” said Kirstie Alley.

6. Late pop singer Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch is reportedly being considered for sale. Said the real estate agent, “Thank God these walls can’t talk.”

7. During the third round of the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational on Saturday, Tiger Woods snapped at a CBS camera he deemed too close to him, saying, “Give me a little fucking space, will you?” Proving that CBS does not employ female cameramen.

8 Last week, Sharknado 2 set a ratings record for a SyFy Channel original movie drawing 3.9 million viewers. I saw it, it was good, but the book was better.

9. A U.K.-based sex toy company has unveiled the guy-brator, the world’s first male vibrator. “Finally,” said Captain Hook.

10. German police rescued an 83-year-old man pushing his bicycle in the middle of a highway on Saturday after he gave up trying to cycle to Luxembourg to withdraw more than $134,000 from a bank there. Coincidentally, “by giving up” is the most common answer to the question of “How did you wind up in Luxembourg?”

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