August 1, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NBA announced Thursday that it would be putting its social-media identifier, @NBA, on all game balls starting next season. This marks the first time a Twitter feed will appear on balls and not the other way around.

2. On Thursday, the NFL announced that it will place radio frequency transmitters in players’ shoulder pads to track their movements on the field and provide more accurate statistics. Said local police, “It would really help us out a lot if they wore them off the field as well.”

3. North Korea has opened a summer camp that caters to kids from all over the world and attempts to acquaint them with the isolated country. Which has led to the following camp letter: Hello Muddah, Hello Fuddah. Here I am at Camp Osaka. Camp is very self-containing. And they say we’ll have some fun when the Supreme Leader says we’re allowed to do so.

4. North Korea has opened a summer camp that caters to kids from all over the world and attempts to acquaint them with the isolated country. It’s just like a regular summer camp, but instead of capture the flag, you play capture the South Korean, instead of making lanyards in arts & crafts, you make Samsung Galaxy 5’s, and instead of creating treasured memories that will last a lifetime, you’re there until you die.

5. Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber got into a bar fight early Wednesday morning at a nightclub in Ibiza. Which is bad publicity for the actor and the singer, but even worse publicity for bar fights.

6. According to estimates, Beyonce and Jay-Z will make $84 million from their world tour. I’d hate to be the person who breaks that news to Solange.

7. Yesterday, CBS confirmed that production on “The Big Bang Theory’s” eighth season has been postponed due to “ongoing contract negotiations.””Whatever you do, don’t call him Chiam Levine, he hates that,” said Charlie Sheen.

8. An award-winning goat has gone missing from a Colorado county fair, leaving its owner and organizers stumped. Local authorities don’t expect foul play, but, just to be safe, they are questioning the chickens.

9. A German teen who lost his cell phone in a pond, tried to get it back by draining the water and pumping it into a nearby toilet, which caused major damage when the water flooded the tank and sent the waste spewing. I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, but German newspapers better use the headline “Angry Turds.”

10. A German teen who lost his cell phone in a pond, tried to get it back by draining the water and pumping it into a nearby toilet, which caused major damage when the water flooded the tank and sent the waste spewing. Or, as it is more commonly known in Germany, foreplay.

11. A Texas company is offering a unique send off for beloved pets by placing a portion of their cremated remains in a capsule and blasting them off into outer space. “It’s what Astro would have wanted,” said Elroy.

12. In an interview yesterday, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said she has no plans to retire despite calls from fellow liberals who want the 81-year-old to step down while Democratic President Barack Obama is still in office to appoint her successor. Said Ginsburg, “I make snap judgments about people I don’t know and wear a robe all day, I’m pretty sure I’m retired.”

13. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on Thursday issued a travel advisory against non-essential trips to Guinea, Liberia and Sierra Leone to curb the spread of the Ebola virus. So, if there’s a God, Justin Bieber’s upcoming concert in Liberia will be labeled essential.

14. Mike Rowe, host of the TV show “Dirty Jobs,” announced on Tuesday that he intends to run for County Judge in Lafayette, Arkansas. I’m not sure what’s more surprising, a celebrity giving up a lucrative television career to run for judge in Arkansas, or that they have judges in Arkansas.

15. Last week, the trailer for “50 Shades of Grey” premiered on “the Today Show.” But to make sure viewers didn’t get too excited, the trailer was introduced by Willard Scott.

16. A man in a Brazilian prison was caught trying to sneak two mobile phones, batteries, pliers, two drills and five nails in his rectum to an inmate. I don’t know what the punishment for his actions will be, but if he goes to prison I get the feeling he’s gonna be very popular there.

17. A western Pennsylvania couple, accusing of luring their five-year-old son into the trunk of their car with candy to resolve his fear of the dark, was granted probation last week. Although, if you had two lunatic parents you’d be scared too when it got dark and you couldn’t see where they were.

18. A California woman who spooked her small community by anonymously leaving porcelain dolls on the doorsteps of fellow churchgoers that eerily resembled their daughters told police she is embarrassed by the incidents. Proving that sometimes God makes you barren for a reason.

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