July 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to new study, over 70% of firefighters are overweight or obese. Which would explain the troubling new trend of firemen showing up to fires, roasting a few marshmallows and then getting to work.

2. Yesterday, NBC announced that “Girls” actress Allison Williams will play Peter Pan in its upcoming “Peter Pan Live” show. In a related story, Anne Hathaway has killed Allison Williams. (additional mediocre joke about same topic that doesn’t deserve it’s own number: Yesterday, NBC announced that “Girls” actress Allison Williams will play Peter Pan in its upcoming “Peter Pan Live” show. It will be interesting to see if Williams will be able to fly considering her dad is an anchor.)

3. On Tuesday, Sony released “The Essential *NSYNC,” a double album featuring the band’s hits. So, if you this news gets you excited, you’re Joey Fatone.

4. Washington barred a group of Venezuelan officials, including government ministers and presidential advisers, from entering the U.S. on Wednesday after accusing them of abuses in a crackdown on protests against President Nicolas Maduro. Said a group of unaccompanied Venezuelan kids, “Don’t worry, we’ll show you the way in.”

5. Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick on Wednesday signed into law a measure allowing police to order anti-abortion protesters away from clinic entrances if their presence impedes public access. Said protestors, “Our goal isn’t to impede access, just to make people aware of other, safer options, like using the back door.”

6. A new study found, without any encouragement from coaches, more than two-thirds of kids at an outdoor soccer camp used nearby tents for shade during rest periods. Although it’s hard to know if they sought the shelter of the tent for shade or to just get away from soccer.

7. A three-year-old in Oregon crashed a Jeep Wrangler into his neighbor’s house and then went home to watch cartoons. “That’s exactly why they don’t let me drive,” said Joe Biden.

8. Hundreds of Turkish women posted pictures of themselves laughing on Twitter on Wednesday to protest comments by Deputy Prime Minister Bulent Arinc who had urged women not to laugh in public to “protect moral values.” “You gotta admit, the Deputy Prime Minister makes some good points,” said Stephen A. Smith.

9. Actor Orlando Bloom and singer Justin Bieber got into a fight at a club in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. “I finally understand ‘Sophie’s Choice,” said teenage girls.

10. A Phoenix Suns basketball player was arrested Tuesday night on suspicion of super extreme DUI. Super extreme DUI is when a driver registers a blood-alcohol content over .20 and not, as I previously assumed, a Japanese game show.

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