July 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study shows that people who feel they have a purpose live longer lives. “I beg to differ” said Jesus.

2. A man in Buffalo is suing Starbucks claiming that employees spiked his tea with hallucinogens. That’s so juvenile, grow up and drink coffee like the rest of us.

3. The producers of the Broadway musical “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark,” announced plans yesterday for two new shows based off the animated movies “Rio” and “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.” Said the producers, “See, we told you Spiderman wasn’t the worst idea.”

4. Yesterday, Delta Airlines said it will offer free movies, TV shows, music and video games on all U.S. flights over 90 minutes, starting Friday. But those passengers who have already booked travel for this Thursday shouldn’t feel ripped off, because there’s a good chance your fight will be delayed until Friday anyway.

5. According to a new study, people who play video games or watch television to unwind after a hard day may end up feeling worse about themselves. But that’s usually because they catch a glimpse of their reflection in the TV.

6. According to a new study, people who arrive at the hospital with a heart attack during business hours are more likely to survive than those who show up on weeknights, weekends or holidays. So plan your heart attacks accordingly.

7. Yesterday, a Florida family scavenging for sunken treasure on a shipwreck found the missing piece of a 300-year-old gold necklace. Although it should surprise no one that they found the missing link in Florida.

8. A felon escaped from a detention center in Arizona by scaling a basketball hoop in the yard and then jumping from it onto a fence. Said an inmate who witnessed the feat, “Okay, I got H-O-R.”

9. According to a new study, people with dementia are more likely to get pacemakers than people without any cognitive impairments. So maybe that ticking isn’t in their head.

10. On Monday, police arrested a University of Delaware doctoral student who allegedly hid video cameras in restrooms around campus over a two-year period. No word on whether he’ll get credit for his independent studies.

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