July 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, the Prime Minister of Ukraine announced his resignation. So let me be the first to congratulate the next Prime Minister of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin.

2. A teenager in India, who had more than 200 teeth growing in his mouth due to a benign tumor, had them removed over the weekend. And, in a related story, the tooth fairy has filed for bankruptcy.

3. Adam West told People magazine at Comic-Con on Thursday that he has faith in Ben Affleck’s ability to take on the role of Batman. Which can only mean one thing, West never saw “Daredevil.”

4. On Friday, a Massachusetts judge refused to toss out the murder charges against ex-New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez. Then, for some unexplained reason, Hernandez added the judge’s name to a list of other names, some of which were already crossed off.

5. A new study shows, teenagers are more likely to discuss topics like sexual health and drug use with their doctors if their parents are out of the room. And, in an unrelated story, former-President Bill Clinton has enrolled in medical school.

6. According to a new report, snowboarders who use personal music players while boarding have fewer injuries, but the injuries they do sustain tend to be more severe. While snowboarders who listen to Nickelback tend to steer themselves into oncoming trees on purpose.

7. On Sunday, new Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James announced that he will switch his number back to 23, the number he wore during his first stint in Cleveland. Said Cavs fans, “Now where did I put that number 23 LeBron jersey? Oh…right.”

8. A company claims they have made the first vegan cheese by injecting yeast with human DNA. So if you ask if the cheese you’re eating is American, don’t be surprised if the response is “I think he was.”

9. A man in a Brazilian prison was caught trying to sneak two mobile phones, batteries, pliers, two drills and five nails in his rectum to an inmate. Which means, for the rest of his life, he’ll have to sheepishly answer the question “How’d you get the nickname Toolbox Tommy.”

10. A western Pennsylvania couple, accusing of luring their five-year-old son into the trunk of their car with candy to resolve his fear of the dark, was granted probation last week. Let’s hope he doesn’t have a fear of foster parents.

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