July 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Kim Kardashian revealed that her daughter North West had taken her first steps. But, if she’s anything like her mother, I’m sure she still feels more comfortable on her knees.

2. Rapper Snoop Dogg claims that he once smoked marijuana at the White House. “You mean I didn’t have to go through the hassle of becoming President just to do that?” said Bill Clinton.

3. In a recent interview, Senator Marco Rubio said Hillary Clinton is out of touch with voters and called her a 20th century candidate. Which, in the Republican Party, is actually a compliment.

4. According to a new study, doctors are almost twice as likely as the general public to be registered organ donors. Said one proud Jewish mother, “Michael’s only 13, but he has the heart of a doctor.”

5. An Alabama man who went in to a hospital last month for a circumcision awoke after surgery to find his penis had been amputated. Said the hospital, “The patient has been married for over 20 years, there’s a chance it just fell off from lack of use.”

6. The Women’s Football Hall of Fame is set to open in Rock Hill, South Carolina today. It will be just like that scene in “A League of Their Own,” except everyone will look like Rosie O’Donnell.

7. The Women’s Football Hall of Fame is set to open in Rock Hill, South Carolina today. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Mark Sanchez.

8. An amusement park in Denmark has opened a new ride in which park-goers leap off a platform and fall 130 feet into a net. Which is a really awkward way to meet Annette.

9. On Thursday, the NFL suspended Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice for two games stemming from a domestic violence incident that occurred during the offseason. “Oh great, more time at home,” said his wife.

10. A Minnesota man and his two sons were asked to leave a Southwest Airlines flight after the man sent a tweet complaining about being treated rudely by a gate agent. The man was upset about the incident but happy to know that someone is actually reading his tweets.

11. A German court ruled on Tuesday that some people suffering from ongoing pain should be able to cultivate their own marijuana “for therapeutic purposes.” Because there’s no better place to be paranoid than Germany.

12. An artist in the U.K. has begun selling vagina-themed cupcakes. “We’re good,” said black men.

13. An artist in the U.K. has begun selling vagina-themed cupcakes. Word of advice, avoid the cream-filled ones.

14. The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation is selling 11 bridges that are no longer up to code and range in price from $1 to $500. Actress Lindsay Lohan is reportedly interested in buying a bridge and, as is her custom, immediately burning it.

15. The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation is selling 11 bridges that are no longer up to code and range in price from $1 to $500. “You mean I could own a bridge and do whatever I want with it?” said Chris Christie.

16. For more than a month, mysterious vandals in a suburb of Portland have been smearing pastries on cars, depositing donuts on lawns and leaving cakes strewn about the streets. Local authorities have labeled the actions as harmless hi-jinx, while New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is advocating the electric chair.

17. On Monday, “Fargo,” the Emmy-nominated TV series was renewed for a second season that will feature an all new storyline and characters. The second season will likely be the show’s last as it will be hard to convince viewers that more than ten people live in Fargo.

18. Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will co-star in the upcoming drama “By the Sea” written and directed by Jolie. Not to be confused with Jennifer Aniston’s directorial debut about Jolie entitled “By the C.”

19. According to the BBC, Rory McIlroy’s father made over $340,000 on a $680 bet he placed ten years ago that his then-15-year-old son would win the British Open by the age of 26, which he did Sunday. “He’s like the son I never had,” said Pete Rose.

20. According to the BBC, Rory McIlroy’s father made over $340,000 on a $680 bet he placed ten years ago that his then-15-year-old son would win the British Open by the age of 26, which he did Sunday. “Not a bad idea, that may be the only I can win some money in a major,” said Tiger.

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