July 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. There’s a new fitness app called KGoal, in which users squeeze with their vagina to measure the strength of their pelvic muscles via their smart phone. But, if your phone’s on vibrate when you’re using it and someone calls, it takes on an entirely different use.

2. The New York Times reported on Wednesday that Senator John Walsh of Montana may have lifted at least a quarter of his master’s thesis from works by other authors. If the allegations prove true, Walsh may be hit with the harshest punishment possible, being sent back to Montana

3. A recent survey found that use of HGH among teenagers more than doubled between 2012 and 2013. As a result, all high school sports teams have changed their mascots to the Fightin’ A-Rods.

4. A 170-foot-tall ketchup bottle, which is actually a water tower, is for sale in southern Illinois. Said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, “You had me at ‘ketchup’ and lost me at ‘water.’”

5. According to research released on Wednesday, dogs are capable of feeling jealousy. Well Fido, now you know how I feel every time you lick yourself.

6. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reportedly broke his pinky toe while working out yesterday. But that sort of think is bound to happen when you can’t see your own feet.

7. Three more people in Colorado have been diagnosed with the plague. Authorities have brought in the town wench for questioning.

8. According to a new report, today’s young adults are on track to have the lowest rates of marriage by age 40 compared to all previous generations. “Look, I’m just one woman, I can only do so much,” said Kim Kardashian.

9. A tree planted in memory of late Beatles guitarist George Harrison following his death in 2001 has been killed by beetles and not, as previously reported, Pete Best with an ax.

10. According to a study published on Wednesday, an estimated 10.3 million American adults have gained health coverage since Obamacare enrollment began last October. And only 8 million of them did so by moving to Canada.

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