July 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that it will display six of Beyonce’s outfits starting next week. And, if you’re interested in seeing the outfits of the other members of Destiny’s Child, check your local Goodwill.

2. Yesterday, the commissioner of the Big XII athletic conference said that due to lax enforcement cheating in college sports pays. Said college athletes, “At least someone’s getting paid.”

3. According to Forbes, Robert Downey Jr. was the highest paid actor of the past year, earning an estimated $75 million. At a certain point he’s no longer “pretending” to be Tony Stark.

4. Yesterday, the second richest man in the world, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim suggested that workers shift to a three-day work week. “Way ahead of you,” said the Post Office.

5. On Monday, President Obama said Joe Biden would make a “superb” president. But, then again, he also thought he’d be good at the job.

6. The U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention “may never know” how a fairly harmless form of bird flu was cross-contaminated with a dangerous bird flu strain before it was sent to an outside laboratory. Which has led to the establishment of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention or the CDCCDC for short.

7. New Jersey animal control workers have set traps to catch a reported 20-foot-long snake living in Lake Hopatcong. If caught, the snake will be used to make shoes for many Italian women or half a belt for Governor Christie.

8. Italy’s data protection regulator has given Google 18 months to change the way it treats and stores user data. Or, as it is known in Italy, 36 months.

9. The Florida cat that made national news earlier this month after its owners said it had trapped them in their bedroom will return home after a 10-day quarantine in an animal shelter. “Who’s bedroom!?!” said the cat.

10. Researchers reported on Saturday that the annual rate of diagnosis of HIV fell by a third in the U.S. between 2002 and 2011. “You’re welcome, America,” said Magic Johnson.

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