July 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Bill Clinton said he would not influence Hillary’s decision in regards to any possible presidential campaign. Said Bill, “Trust me, if I could convince her to do things, that wouldn’t even make the list.”

2. An Australian man is being charged with attempted murder after he tried to shoot a man with a crossbow only to have it blocked by the victim’s laptop computer. And since it was an Apple computer, I think we may have found the modern-day William Tell.

3. A man in Maryland has reportedly only eaten pizza for the past 25 years. Said the man, “I’m hoping to get a Jared-from-Subway type endorsement deal. I’m also hoping to get Jared-from-Subway’s old pants.”

4. A New Jersey man who was on vacation in Rhode Island won $1 million in the Rhode Island state lottery. Said Rhode Islanders, “If living in New Jersey is what it takes to win the lottery, it’s not worth it.”

5. According to a new poll, 81% of people would cheat on their partner if there were no consequences. While 19% of people apparently don’t know what “consequences” means.

6. A previously confidential memo reveals that then-President Bill Clinton chose not to use a joke about former President Bush’s dog Millie that called the canine a word the “starts with B and rhymes with witch,” in a speech. Clinton said he skipped the joke, not out of good taste, but because he had already used the joke word-for-word to describe Hillary.

7. On Friday, a New York federal judge authorized a warrant to be served on Google ordering them to turn over the emails of an unnamed individual who is the target of a money laundering investigation. “What’s a warrant?” said the NSA.

8. On Friday, a man and woman caught on video stealing a baby dinosaur replica from a North Carolina museum turned themselves in. Museum officials became suspicious when a man and woman showed up to a dinosaur museum in North Carolina.

9. According to the BBC, Rory McIlroy’s father made over $340,000 on a $680 bet he made ten years ago that his then-15-year-old son would win the British Open by the age of 26, which he did on Sunday. So congratulations to Gerry McIlroy for winning his bet and proving that he is a loving father who had an unwavering belief in his son and not a compulsive gambler.

10. A Florida jury awarded a widow $23.6 billion in damages in her lawsuit against R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company over the death of her husband. Said the tobacco giant, “Whatever happened to second-hand smoke killing people?”

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