1. Yesterday, Democrat Charlie Crist picked Annette Taddeo-Goldstein, a Jewish, Hispanic female, as his running mate for November’s gubernatorial race. She’s one meth addiction away from being the perfect Florida candidate.
2. UK police announced on Wednesday that they have arrested 660 suspected pedophiles in a six month operation spanning the entire country. In unrelated news, church is cancelled this Sunday.
3. A man in Seattle set fire to his house while trying to kill a spider with a makeshift blowtorch. But, if you’re the kind of guy who has a makeshift blowtorch, this sort of thing was really only a matter of time.
4. Former dictator of Manuel Noriega, who is in jail for killing political opponents, has sued the makers of the popular video game “Call of Duty” in which the former Panamanian leader commits numerous heinous crimes like kidnapping and murder. Said Noriega, “This game is a complete misrepresentation of me. I’m not nearly that tall.”
5. Archie Andrews, the redheaded American teenager in the “Archie” comic books, will die in an upcoming edition taking a bullet protecting his gay friend. Said avid readers, “Please be Betty of Veronica. Please be Betty or Veronica.”
6. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns announced that they will use a real, live dog named Swagger as their mascot next year. Swagger will accurately represent the Browns as he too will take a dump on the field every Sunday.
7. A power outage on Sunday forced the evacuation of 120 passengers on Disney World’s monorail in Orlando, Florida. Unfortunately, the Hall of Presdients was unaffected.
8. Scientists have developed a robot that writes Jewish Torah scrolls. “You couldn’t have programmed him to be a doctor?” said the robot’s mother.
9. According to a study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, nickel in the first-generation of iPads likely triggered an allergic reaction in an 11-year-old boy. But, since the newer versions of the product no longer contain nickel, the boy has been able to return to his job at the Apple factory in China.
10. Seattle City Attorney Pete Holmes on Friday apologized for violating workplace rules by bringing bags of marijuana he purchased from newly-opened Washington state pot shops back to his office. Said Holmes, “And, as part of that apology, I’ve baked the office some brownies.”