July 17, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The DEA is launching an investigation into claims that NFL players have been illegally given powerful painkillers to keep them on the field and playing at a high level. Which I can only assume means the Broncos ran out right before the SuperBowl.

2. According to a police search warrant, actress Sandra Bullock came face-to-face with a man who allegedly scaled a chain-link fence topped with barbed-wire to get into her house last month. “Scaling a fence to get to an over-40 actress? Yuck,” Said George Clooney.

3. According to a statement released on Wednesday, Ron Howard has been tabbed to direct a documentary about the Beatles. So, for once, Ringo won’t be the redheaded-stepchild.

4. A man in Seattle set fire to his house while trying to kill a spider with a makeshift blowtorch. But, if you’re the kind of guy who has a makeshift blowtorch, this sort of thing was really only a matter of time.

5. A Japanese artist who made a kayak modeled after her vagina said on Wednesday from jail she was “outraged” by her arrest and vowed to fight the obscenity charges lobbied against her. If having a kayak-sized vagina is a crime, the Octomom better lawyer-up.

6. A TSA agent at Orlando International Airport demanded to see a passport after refusing to accept a passenger’s District of Columbia driver’s license, claiming that it was not part of the U.S. But, to be fair, if the TSA agent had that kind of common knowledge he probably wouldn’t have been a TSA agent to begin with.

7. A California man has been charged with stealing nearly 200 pounds of beeswax to support his drug habit. Said the man’s drug dealer, “I may need to revisit my payment policies.”

8. Former dictator of Manuel Noriega, who is in jail for killing political opponents, has sued the makers of the popular video game “Call of Duty” in which the former Panamanian leader commits numerous heinous crimes like kidnapping and murder. Said Noriega, “This game is a complete misrepresentation of me. I’m not nearly that tall.”

9. A man broke into the Kennedy family compound on Tuesday telling police that he was “looking for Katy Perry.” Whereupon the police realized that they probably arrested a Kennedy.

10. The 27-year-old son of tennis great John McEnroe and actress Tatum O’Neal was arrested on drug charges in Manhattan yesterday. The details of the arrest are limited, but we know for sure that he is definitely Tatum O’Neal’s son.

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