July 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. LG Electronics has unveiled an 18-inch, flat-screen prototype television that is paper thin and can be rolled up for portable use. “How convenient,” said burglars.

2. Teamsters local 743 union filed a complaint with the National Labor Relations Board yesterday claiming WaterSaver Faucet company unfairly disciplined 19 workers in June for “excessive use” of the bathroom. When reached for comment, a union representative said, “Someone’s in here!!!”

3. Yesterday, during an interview with CNN, former Vice President Dick Cheney labeled Barack Obama as “the worst president of [his] lifetime,” but said impeaching him wouldn’t “accomplish much.” Adding, “You know Biden’s Vice President, right?”

4. The White House said Central Americans trying to cross the U.S. border should know they will not be welcome to this country.” Said Central Americans, “Yeah, we know, that’s why we’re trying to sneak in.”

5. Archie Andrews, the redheaded American teenager in the “Archie” comic books, will die in an upcoming edition taking a bullet protecting his gay friend. Said avid readers, “Please be Betty of Veronica. Please be Betty or Veronica.”

6. Marvel Comics said on Tuesday that comic book superhero Thor, who first appeared in 1962 and is based on the Norse hammer-wielding god, will now be a woman. “It’s the part I was born to play,” said Bruce Jenner.

7. A Brazilian rest home for the elderly believes it may be home to the world’s oldest person, Jose Aguienelo dos Santos, who is identified in documents stating he was born 126 years ago. Despite his age, dos Santos stays active, in fact, just last week, he played goalie for Brazil in the World Cup against Germany.

8. A Connecticut man faces charges of threatening his wife after stabbing a large butcher’s knife through a watermelon and leaving it on the kitchen table for her to see. Said the man, “The cantaloupes will stay quiet if they know what’s good for them.”

9. On Friday, researchers said that pornography triggers brain activity in sex addicts similar to the affect drugs have on brains of drug addicts. Scientists called the study a big step towards understanding addiction, while participants called it the best study ever.

10. Over the weekend, firefighters rescued a woman in Minnesota who had been stuck in quicksand for over fourteen hours. That story again, a fat lady got stuck in some regular sand.

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