July 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns announced that they will use a real, live dog named Swagger as their mascot next year. Swagger will accurately represent the Browns as he too will take a dump on the field every Sunday.

2. The first group of Central Americans deported under stepped up U.S. efforts to crack down on illegal immigration arrived in Honduras on Monday. Said the group, “See you on Tuesday.”

3. On Sunday, an Italian newspaper quoted Pope Francis as saying that about two percent of clerics are sexual abusers. So it’s a good chance your priest is part of that two percent if he starts off every sermon by legally informing the congregation that he is the neighborhood.

4. A power outage on Sunday forced the evacuation of 120 passengers on Disney World’s monorail in Orlando, Florida. Unfortunately, the Hall of Presdients was unaffected.

5. Scientists have developed a robot that writes Jewish Torah scrolls. “You couldn’t have programmed him to be a doctor?” said the robot’s mother.

6. According to a new book, Michelle Obama’s nickname for former Secretary of State of Hillary Clinton is Hildabeast. Said Bill Clinton, “I prefer a shorter nickname, that way it’s easier for people to warn me that she’s coming.”

7. Two California politicians have called for Bob Beckel, the host of Fox News Channel’s “The Five,” to resign after his use of the term “Chinamen” on air. Said Beckel, “Sorry, I want to be politically correct, I meant Chinamen and Chinawomen.”

8. During a phone call on Monday, President Obama told Chinese President Xi Jinping that he wants U.S.-Chinese relations defined by more cooperation and communication. A message that may have been better received if Obama hadn’t called Xi collect.

9. According to a study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, nickel in the first-generation of iPads likely triggered an allergic reaction in an 11-year-old boy. But, since the newer versions of the product no longer contain nickel, the boy has been able to return to his job at the Apple factory in China.

10. According to Bloomberg, LeBron James’ decision to return to Cleveland means the Cavaliers are now worth more than $1 billion. Experts say the only other way to have increased the franchise’s value that much that quickly would have been to move them out of Cleveland.

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