July 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, NBA superstar LeBron James decided to leave the Miami Heat and return to play for his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers. I feel like Heat fans aren’t going to take the news well when they show up three minutes into the third quarter of their opening game and find out.

2. First came “the Golden Girls,” then “Hot in Cleveland,” the message is clear, if you set a sitcom about sassy old ladies in your city, LeBron James will come.

3. Chinese state media on Friday branded Apple’s iPhone a threat to national security because of the smartphone’s ability to track and time-stamp user locations. If only there was something China could do to slow down the manufacturing of those phones.

4. Brazilian soccer fans are calling Mick Jagger a World Cup jinx because he showed up to Brazil’s semifinal lost to Germany last week. Although I can’t help but think it may have more to do with naming Keith Richards the team’s nutritionist.

5. According to Bloomberg, LeBron James’ decision to return to Cleveland means the Cavaliers are now worth more than $1 billion for owner Dan Gilbert. “My advice to Gilbert, you can add another billion to that valuation by saying something extremely racist,” said Donald Sterling.

6. On Friday, Texas Governor Rick Perry called Kentucky Senator, and potential 2016 presidential rival, Rand Paul, “curiously blind” and “wrong.” Perry said there was a third thing he wanted to call Paul, but forgot what it was.

7. Seattle City Attorney Pete Holmes on Friday apologized for violating workplace rules by bringing bags of marijuana he purchased from newly-opened Washington state pot shops back to his office. Said Holmes, “And, as part of that apology, I’ve baked the office some brownies.”

8. On Saturday, NBA star Carmelo Anthony reached a deal to return to the New York Knicks. The Knicks said they were excited to welcome Anthony back once they realized they couldn’t get LeBron.

9. Seattle’s first and only recreational marijuana store had to close on Friday after running out of pot in just three days. So if that doesn’t convince stoners to get up before noon, nothing will.

10. Five-time Olympic swimming gold medalist Ian Thorpe for the first time publicly confirmed that he is gay during a television interview on Sunday. Which explains why he was always so bad at the breaststroke.

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