July 11, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new report shows that CNN is the most trustworthy news source, reporting the news correctly 83% of the time. While the least trustworthy news source is whoever conducted that report.

2. This weekend, Bravo is premiering a new reality show called “Game of Crowns” that follows pageant contestants in their 30s and 40s. Turns out baton-twirling is not that helpful of a life skill.

3. This weekend, Bravo is premiering a new reality show called “Game of Crowns” that follows pageant contestants in their 30s and 40s. I thought we already had a show like that, it was called “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.”

4. Actress Mila Kunis said her fiancé Ashton Kutcher was her first kiss. Said Kutcher, “Between Mila and Demi, now I’ve been someone’s first and last.”

5. According to research, the prevalence of severe obesity among school children in New York City was down by almost 10 percent. A trend researchers are attributing to healthier lunch options and narrower school entrances.

6. Last week, Selective Services accidentally sent 14,000 draft notices to dead men in Kingston, Pennsylvania. But, then again, are you ever really “alive” if you live in Kingston, Pennsylvania.

7. The world’s tallest water slide opened in Kansas on Thursday. The ride is over 108 feet tall, reaches speeds in excess of 50 miles per hour, pumps more than 20,000 gallons of water every 16 seconds, and considering it drops 17 stories in 15 seconds, a good amount of urine as well.

8. Eileen Ford, who founded the prestigious Ford Model Agency 70 years ago, died yesterday at the age of 92. And, considering she spent all her days around 20-something-year-old, fresh-off-the-boat models, this is the one time it’s safe to say that the deceased is not in a better place.

9. Doctors said on Thursday, a toddler thought to have been cured of HIV once again has detectable levels of the virus in her blood. Now comes the hard part, the awkward phonecalls with all her previous playdates.

10. A Colorado restaurant is making news after all nine of its servers have starting carrying guns while on the job. Oh, what, sorry, make that eight, now.

11. Last week, a New Mexico woman was arrested after calling her ex-boyfriend over 77,000 times, texting him over 41,000 times and sending him over 600 letters in the mail over the course of one week. Which must mean they don’t have Facebook in New Mexico.

12. An 81-year-old woman in the U.K. went skydiving to raise money for a local hospital. Which was very convenient afterwards as the ambulance only had to make one stop.

13. U.S. health officials said on Tuesday, stray vials of the deadly smallpox virus have been discovered at a federal lab near Washington. The U.S. Center for Disease Control is concerned, but not as concerned as Washington’s Native American population.

14. According to a new study, wealthier high school students may be more likely to try smoking from a hookah. That story again, Persians are rich.

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