1. Pakistani Taliban voted to promote their number two commander to replace leader Hakimullah Mehsud, who was killed by a U.S. drone strike on Friday. Said the newly elected leader, “I demand a recount.”
2. Over the weekend, the Department of Health and Human Services said the glitch-ridden website used to sign up for insurance under President Obama’s healthcare law would be down for “extended maintenance” Saturday night. I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, but it seems like it would be a more efficient if they just told us when the website was actually working.
3. Over the weekend, the Department of Health and Human Services said the glitch-ridden website used to sign up for insurance under President Obama’s healthcare law would be down for “extended maintenance” Saturday night. Said the public, “We didn’t notice a different.”
4. Doctors in Albania say hundreds of people have fallen ill from harvesting cannabis in a lawless region that for years has been out of bounds to police. No police and weed that is so potent that it makes people ill, guess we’ll never seen Willie Nelson again.
5. The Birmingham-Shuttelswerth International Airport in Alabama was evacuated for over two hours on Sunday while police investigated a bomb threat that turned out to be a false alarm. It should be noted that even though the airport only flies within the continental United States, it is considered an “international airport” since Alabama qualifies as a third-world country.
6. The mysterious barges that appeared in the San Francisco Bay last week have been revealed to be floating Google showrooms for the upcoming release of Google Glass. Said a Google executive, “It really just made sense to open a store in the middle of San Francisco Bay since if you were using Apple maps to get directions that where you usually wound up anyway.”
7. Yesterday the 43rd New York City Marathon was held. The one day of the year where people besides the crazies wear tin foil.
8. Women seeking to terminate their pregnancies were told “No” at clinics across Texas on Friday after strict new regulations for physicians who perform abortions prompted a dozen facilities to stop offering them. Said one determined woman, “The word ‘no’ isn’t in my vocabulary. If it were, I wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.”
9. Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford maintained his innocence in the face of reports that police had obtained a video showing him smoking a crack pipe. Which would explain why last week Ford attempted to sell the Blue Jays to Buffalo for seven dollars and a hand full of lose pills.
10. New York police rescued a 19-year-old man who somehow got stuck in a space about six to twelve inches wide between two buildings in lower Manhattan Sunday night. Said the man, “I know it looks bad, but I only pay $1,200 a month in rent.”