1. Starbucks said on Wednesday that it will hire 10,000 veterans and military spouses over the next five years. Which is good because it takes someone who’s seen military action to deal with the bombs that get drop daily in Starbucks bathrooms.
2. Tuesday night, Chris Christie was re-elected as New Jersey’s governor in a landslide victory. Which is the best possible scenario involving a sentence that contains the words “Chris Christie” and “landslide.”
3. Yesterday, Marvel Comics announced that the new Ms. Marvel will be a superhero of Islamic faith. Ms. Marvel will reportedly have many superpowers, but not the power of flight because her name appears on the “No Fly” list.
4. Congressman John Boehner declined to support a bill banning discrimination against gay, lesbian and transgender workers because he believes it will lead to a wave of litigation. Yeah we wouldn’t want Congress to pass a law that people will actually use to defend their rights, that would be crazy.
5. A new study suggests, people tend to spend more time being active and less time sitting after retirement. “Oh, really?” said the ghost of Joe Paterno.
6. On Wednesday, Blockbuster announced that it will close its 300 remaining brick-and-mortar stores by January of next year. Guess who’s the proud new owner of a twelve year and 3 month overdue VHS copy of “Maid in Manhattan.” I win, Blockbuster, I win.
7. A Wal-Mart executive said, a technical glitch on the company’s website Wednesday morning that offered some items at a fraction of their actual retail price has been corrected and the orders will not be honored. “Wait, they fixed the glitch in one day?” said Kathleen Sebelius.
8. Yesteday, the bankrupted city of Detroit elected Mike Duggan as mayor, the city’s first white mayor in over four decades. So, once you go black, you may never go back, but once you’re no longer a legit payer, you go looking for a white mayor.
9. A video of Senator Ted Cruz’s father speaking at a 2012 Cruz campaign rally has surfaced in which the elder Cruz voices his desire to send President Obama “back to Kenya.” Good to see the apple doesn’t fall from the lynching tree.
10. On Friday, Canadian officials at the Montreal Airport seized three pumpkins from a passenger’s bag that were found to be filled with cocaine. The passenger claims she is a pumpkin carving expert and those were just her Charlie Sheen-o-laterns.