1. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will host a new show on the Sportsman Channel which will focus on her love of the outdoors. The first episode will feature Palin learning how to open a door.
2. Yesterday, George Zimmerman’s girlfriend is asked a judge to lift an order that blocks her from seeing him and said she also wants all charges against him dropped. To save time, the coroner has already filled out the “cause of death” section of her autopsy report.
3. President Obama brought former President George W. Bush with him on Air Force One to Africa on Monday to attend a memorial for Nelson Mandela, the man who ended Apartheid. And, just to show how far we’ve come since then, Obama made Bush sit in coach.
4. The Senate gave final approval on Monday to a bill to renew a ban against firearms that can pass undetected through metal detectors, which would presumably include plastic guns made by 3-D printers. “That’s a shame, we really wanted to use those, but if they’re illegal we gotta respect that,” said criminals.
5. Snapchat, a service that allows users to exchange fleeting photo messages, has filed for a temporary restraining order against Frank Reginald Brown, who claims he came up with the idea for the company. But, if they’re anything like my ex-girlfriend, I bet Snapchat is just playing hard to get.
6. A new study suggests, girls who start puberty early may be at particular risk for behavioral problems as teenagers. “I guess they’re a handful in more ways than one,” said a local pervert.
7. On Monday, Forbes magazine named comedian Adam Sandler as Hollywood’s most overpaid actor. So, I guess they don’t consider what Vin Diesel does as acting?
8. The White House clarified last week that President Obama did live with his Kenyan uncle in Massachusetts for a “brief period of time” before attending law school in the 80s, after previously claiming there was no record of the two ever meeting. So get ready for a lot more Donald Trump in your life.
9. Pope Francis ordered the formation of a team to address the sexual abuse of children in the Catholic Church, his first major steps towards tackle the crisis that has plagued it for two decades. Lucky for the Pope, the Church has more than a few experts on the subject.
10. On Friday, U.S. health regulators approved a new drug injection that treats a condition that causes a curvature of the penis called Peyronie’s disease. So the next time a doctor asks you “How’s it hanging?” be very careful with your answer.