1. Russian President Vladimir Putin urged the organizers of the 2014 Winter Olympics on Thursday to work through Russia’s long annual New Year holiday to ensure Sochi is ready on time for the Games. Although, it seems very cold-hearted to ask people not to celebrate the fact that they survived another year in Russia.
2. China’s campaign against online rumors, which critics say is crushing free speech, has been highly successful in “cleaning” the internet, a top official of the country’s internet regulator said last week. China is a bunch of pussies. I guess it’s not that successful considering I had no trouble putting that on the internet.
3. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry will travel to Jerusalem and Ramallah this week to discuss Israeli-Palestinian peace. I give them two days before they start begging for the other type of drone.
4. Last week, the band Barenaked Ladies announced they had cancelled their plans to play a show at SeaWorld due to allegations of animal abuse at the park. So, apparently beggars can be choosers.
5. On Saturday, the Auburn Tigers topped the undefeated Alabama Crimson Tide and put an end to Alabama’s quest towards a third national championship in a row. After the game, Alabama head coach Nick Saban said, “We had a deal, devil. WE HAD A DEAL!!!”
6. On Friday, it was reported that President Obama and First Lady Michelle will allow their daughter Sasha to pick where the family will live after the President’s second term ends in 2017. So get ready for some new neighbors, Bieber.
7. “Us Weekly” reported that retired basketball star Michael Jordan is going to be a father again, this time with his new wife Yvette Prieto. Four children by two different women, I guess you can take the player out of the NBA, but no the NBA out of the player.
8. Elwood, the chihuahua whose unusual appearance won him the 2007 title of World’s Ugliest Dog, died unexpectedly at the age of 8 on Saturday. Said Elwood’s owner, “He’s grossing out people in heaven now.”
9. A German policeman has been arrested after the chopped-up body of a man he met on a cannibalism fetish website was found buried in his garden. Proving the fact that everyone hates leftovers.
10. On Sunday, the Buffalo Bills made their annual trip to Toronto, losing 34-31 in front of a sold-out crowd which included the city’s crack-smoking mayor, Rob Ford. Ford said he always looks forward to the Bills visit because it means, at least for a day, he’s not the biggest disappointment in Toronto.