1. On Thursday, Ford unveiled a global redesign of its Mustang sports car. “I’ll take it,” said every newly-divorced 50-year-old man.
2. Twitter is attempting to make its messaging service available to users in emerging nations who have entry level mobile phones which cannot access the internet. The biggest question is what users will do with the remaining 124 characters after they tweet “Please send food.”
3. According to a new study, women who were exposed to air pollution during pregnancy tended to give birth to slightly lighter babies. So, Chris Christie wasn’t born in New Jersey?
4. Former Vice President Dick Cheney said Tuesday he was taken aback when his daughter Mary and her wife took to social media to rail against his other daughter Liz’s stance on same-sex marriage. Cheney added, “But I guess I can’t be that surprised since there’s not a man in the house to keep them in-line.”
5. Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson told a London court she had taken cocaine several times while married to her ex-husband. Which explains how she was able to make eight of Rachel Ray’s 30-minute meals in under an hour.
6. House Speaker John Boehner rejected the label that this is a “do nothing” session of Congress, telling reporters Tuesday on Capitol Hill, “we’ve done our work.” Really? What about that time you shutdown the federal government for weeks and literally did nothing?
7. Singer Miley Cyrus and accused boyfriend-killer Jodi Arias dominated Yahoo’s online searches in 2013, the web search engine said on Tuesday. Seems like users could have saved a step by combining both individuals and searching for Taylor Swift instead.
8. Russian President Vladimir Putin urged the organizers of the 2014 Winter Olympics on Thursday to work through Russia’s long annual New Year holiday to ensure Sochi is ready on time for the Games. Although, it seems very cold-hearted to ask people not to celebrate the fact that they survived another year in Russia.
9. Last week, the band Barenaked Ladies announced they had cancelled their plans to play a show at SeaWorld due to allegations of animal abuse at the park. So, apparently beggars can be choosers.
10. A German policeman has been arrested after the chopped-up body of a man he met on a cannibalism fetish website was found buried in his garden. Proving that everyone hates leftovers.
11. On Sunday, the Buffalo Bills made their annual trip to Toronto, losing 34-31 in front of a sold-out crowd which included the city’s crack-smoking mayor, Rob Ford. Ford said he always looks forward to the Bills’ visit because it means, at least for a day, he’s not the biggest disappointment in Toronto.
12. Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin showed up fifty minutes late to a scheduled meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. Said the Pope, “Do you believe this fucking guy?”
13. On Tuesday, O.J. Simpson lost his latest legal fight as a Nevada judge upheld his conviction on kidnapping, armed robbery and other charges. Although it seemed very un-judge-like to use air-quotations and wink when mentioning the “other charges.”
14. According to a new report, the beloved tiger made famous by his role as Richard Parker in “Life of Pi” almost drowned while on set. Or maybe he’s just a method actor.
15. Yesterday, “Entertainment Weekly” named actress Sandra Bullock 2013′s entertainer of the year. “You might be entertained now. But trust me, you’ll lose interest soon,” said Jesse James.
16. A spokesperson for House Speaker John Boehner confirmed that the top Republican leading the charge against Obamacare is now signed up for it and will take thousands of dollars in government support to help with its cost. Well if that’s not the pot calling the kettle orange.
17. Serial killer Charles Manson, who is in jail for life, is set to marry his 25-year-old girlfriend. Word of advice, maybe skip the “til death do you part line,” let’s not give him any ideas.
18. Sporting KC beat the Houston Dynamo 2-1 on Saturday to win the Eastern Conference title and punch their ticket to the Major League Soccer Cup final. Or, as the typical American sports fans thinks of it, “Shhhh, the NFL is on.”
19. A Yemeni wedding ended in disaster after a guest firing celebratory shots in the air with his AK-47 accidentally killed two men while they were dancing to the pop hit “Gangnam Style.” I don’t know much about the two men, but it sounds like it was justifiable homicide.
20. After centuries buried beneath the Vatican, the bones of a man long believed to be St. Peter are on display for the first time in a roped-off zone in St. Peter’s Square. Although, if an Italian priest invites you to “the bone zone,” you should probably turn it down just to be safe.