1. An Ohio man who disappeared in 1986, was declared legally dead in 1994 and resurfaced in 2005, failed to convince a judge to overturn his death filing, resulting in the man remaining dead in the state of Ohio. “Welcome to the club,” said LeBron James.
2. An investigation into the prison suicide of convicted kidnapper Ariel Castro found that he may have died by accident last month due to “auto-erotic asphyxiation.” This is one of those rare occurrence where dying from auto-erotic asphyxiation isn’t the thing your family is most ashamed of.
3. According to representatives, the Jonas Brothers have canceled their planned concert tour because of “a deep rift within the band” over its musical direction. Not to say I told you so, but I knew it was a bad idea for Joe to start dating Yoko.
4. Representative Bill Young of Florida, the longest serving Republican in the House, will retire when his term ends in 2014. “Don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of company,” said voters.
5. Comcast announced on Wednesday that it has declared a new remote control feature in partnership with Twitter that allows users to turn the channel through a tweet. This falls in line with Comcast’s motto “Making Things More Difficult Than They Need To Be Since 1983.”
6. Monday night, actor Tom Hanks revealed that he has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. Which isn’t all bad news because now Hanks can play roles intended for black guys, too.
7. On Tuesday, a local newspaper reported that the 9-year-old boy who passed through security at Minneapolis International Airport and caught a flight to Las Vegas without a ticket had previously gained entry to a waterpark without a ticket and stolen a car. Whereupon he was named King of Detroit.
8. On Sunday, authorities said that a 9-year-old boy passed through security at the Minneapolis airport and flew on a plane to Las Vegas without a boarding pass. And so begins Siegfried’s latest letter to Penthouse.
9. A Colombian city claimed to set a world record on Friday after 13,800 people gathered in a town square for a cup of coffee. Or, at least that’s what the 13,800 jittery Colombians told the cops.
10. Yesterday, noted billionaire and Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was spotted using a flip-phone in his suite during the game. But, to be fair, if you were the owner of the Cowboys you’d want to pretend it was still the 90s too.